In a shocking exposé that’s sure to send shivers down the spines of heteronormative homeowners everywhere, renowned geneticist Dr. Bartholomew 'Bart' Simpson (yes, *that* Simpson) has been secretly studying LGBTQ+ genetic markers. This bombshell revelation comes after years of Dr. Simpson publicly dismissing the very existence of a 'gay gene,' claiming it’s all just 'lifestyle choices' and 'bad choices in rom-coms.' The man who once declared, "There's nothing genetic about preferring artisanal cheese over cheddar!" is now allegedly hoarding samples, fueling whispers of a clandestine quest for the ultimate 'gay gene' cure... or, more likely, the ultimate 'gay gene' power-up.
Sources close to the situation (a disgruntled lab assistant who goes by 'Kiki' and identifies as a genderfluid pangender non-binary chaotic good) have reported that Dr. Simpson's clandestine operation is funded by none other than the mysteriously wealthy and equally enigmatic 'Straight Pride Foundation.' Kiki alleges the foundation's sole purpose is to "create the ultimate straight person" – essentially, an emotionless, perpetually sun-kissed, gym-obsessed android who only watches Fox News and eats only the most 'masculine' of foods (steak, obviously).
But here’s the kicker: Kiki also revealed that a secret annex within the lab contains a full-scale production set for Dr. Simpson's next film, a heart-wrenching romance where a ruggedly handsome lumberjack discovers his inner drag queen. "He calls it 'Paul Bunyan Gets His Bunyan-ed,'" Kiki gasped, wiping a single tear (that was probably glitter). "It's... surprisingly poignant."
Dr. Simpson, when approached for comment, simply smiled beatifically and said, "I’m just creating a better world, one perfectly heteronormative, genetically engineered tomato at a time." Meanwhile, sources at Marvel are reportedly in talks to acquire the film rights.
This scandal raises serious questions about the ethics of genetic research, the true definition of 'straight,' and whether or not artisanal cheese is actually a gateway to non-heteronormative identities. Stay tuned for further developments – or, as the kids say these days, 'stay woke,' and maybe invest in some glitter.
