In a twist more shocking than a surprise guest appearance by Michelle Visage on a Tuesday morning talk show, Senator Thaddeus “No Fun” Fitzwilliam, the man who single-handedly cancelled three Pride parades and a drag queen story time in the name of ‘traditional values,’ has been revealed as the surprise lead performer in a new, top-secret drag competition: 'RuPaul's Best Friend Race.' Sources close to the production (and deeply in denial about the senator's involvement) claim Fitzwilliam, under the drag name 'Thaddeus the Thundercunt,' is a frontrunner.
Fitzwilliam, known for his public pronouncements about the ‘inherent dangers’ of glitter and the ‘moral degeneracy’ of high heels, is apparently a powerhouse in fishnets. Eyewitnesses report sightings of the Senator practicing death drops in a deserted bowling alley (allegedly while muttering about ‘fiscal responsibility’ between splits). One source, who wishes to remain anonymous to avoid being ‘cancelled’ by the Senator's army of surprisingly well-organized bingo-playing constituents, whispered, “He’s got a death drop that would make Bob the Drag Queen weep with envy. And his tuck? Immaculate. I'm pretty sure he's using some kind of advanced government-funded tucking technology.”
This unexpected revelation has sent shockwaves through the conservative community, with some suggesting a 'woke' conspiracy to ‘normalize’…well…everything. One particularly irate commentator on Fox News (whose face appears to be melting from the sheer cognitive dissonance) spluttered, “This isn’t about freedom of expression! It's about… about… sparkly things that threaten our way of life! And the way he works that waistline is just… suspicious!”
Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is experiencing a confusing mix of emotions, ranging from gleeful surprise to a healthy dose of darkly amused bewilderment. Many are simply wondering: how many more closeted conservatives are hiding their inner queens? And more importantly, what are their stage names? The possibilities are, quite frankly, sickeningly fabulous.
