In a twist more shocking than a Kylie Jenner eyeshadow palette restock, Chad Thundercock, the ruggedly handsome action star known for roles that involve copious amounts of explosions and minimal emotional depth, has unexpectedly become Broadway's newest queer darling. Thundercock, notoriously straight (or so he claims, between sips of his artisanal kale smoothie), was initially aghast at being cast as the legendary drag queen, 'Velma Von Travesty,' in a revival of the critically acclaimed musical *'Glitter Gulch Glamour.'* He reportedly threw a tantrum worthy of a toddler denied their third lollipop, yelling about how "this whole thing is a liberal plot to undermine the sanctity of heteronormativity." He also complained that the sequined costumes were "too sparkly, even for a man who’s emotionally unavailable".
Sources claim that after accidentally breaking a record for the most glitter applied in a single Broadway performance, Chad experienced an unexpected epiphany. A deep dive into the surprisingly empathetic and complex character of Velma, coupled with the thunderous applause (and the sheer volume of well-earned praise), seems to have fundamentally altered his perspective. Or possibly, the exorbitant paycheck did. Who can say for sure?
This has triggered a firestorm of outrage – mostly from people who apparently think Chad should only express his emotional range through the controlled explosions of CGI-enhanced action flicks. One particularly passionate commenter on Chad’s Instagram page wrote: “This is worse than avocado toast prices! It’s destroying the very fabric of masculinity! I demand a boycott of… everything sparkly.”
Meanwhile, Chad, now sporting a meticulously crafted, gender-fluid beard and a shockingly good lip-sync, is apparently planning a whole new career arc. ‘Chad Thundercock: The Gay Awakening’ is being pitched to Netflix. The plot involves him discovering his inner queen while single-handedly stopping an eco-terrorist plot with a perfectly choreographed drag performance using only glitter cannons and his newly acquired high-heeled boots. The world waits with bated breath – and a healthy dose of glitter-induced skepticism.
