In a move so shocking it’s practically giving RuPaul a migraine, Senator Bob ‘The Budget Butcher’ Bartlett, known for his fiscal conservatism (and rumored aversion to glitter), has simultaneously blocked a crucial LGBTQ+ youth support bill and announced the creation of the ‘Bartlett Bonanza of Big Gay Bucks’ scholarship fund. Experts are baffled.
'It's... perplexing,' stammered Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, a leading sociologist specializing in the intersectionality of fiscal policy and fabulousness. 'The sheer audacity! He’s like a villain in a particularly campy, low-budget superhero film. First, he denies life-saving resources, then he throws a few shiny pennies our way. It's… theatrical! Is he trying to start a drag race?'
The new scholarship fund, boasting an initial endowment somehow larger than the previously blocked funding, is open to students identifying as 'gloriously gay,' 'unapologetically bisexual,' 'transparently trans,' or any other label that 'sparkles with the rainbow of self-expression,' according to Bartlett's press release. The application requires a 500-word essay on 'the transformative power of glitter,' and applicants are encouraged to submit 'visual demonstrations' of their inner fabulousness.
Critics, predictably, are losing their minds. One particularly disgruntled conservative commented, 'This is utter madness! He's clearly trying to… *normalize* it all!' (The implication being that this is a deeply sinister plot to make rainbows and acceptance… normal.)
Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are cautiously optimistic. 'Is it performative? Absolutely. Is it ridiculously ironic? You bet your bottom dollar. But hey,' quipped activist Kiki DeVille, 'free money is free money. Maybe he'll sponsor our next Pride parade float. Think 'glitter bomb' themed. With cannons.'
The Bartlett Bonanza is already generating more buzz than a Kylie Jenner lip kit launch, sparking debates across the nation on the true meaning of political theatre. Is it genuine philanthropy? A cynical publicity stunt? Or perhaps, as some suspect, an elaborate attempt to start a new reality TV show? Only time (and copious amounts of glitter) will tell.
