In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the perpetually offended, Chad Thundercock, a renowned (and remarkably heterosexual) weightlifter, has refused to don a Pride flag on his competition uniform. His reasoning? 'It clashes with my meticulously curated tan.' But wait, there's more! This seemingly homophobic act is actually the genius marketing ploy of the century.

Thundercock, a man whose biceps could crush a small car and whose personality is apparently as bland as plain oatmeal, has launched a competing Pride merchandise line. Dubbed "Chad's Chad-tastically Inclusive Collection," the line features items such as $1000 limited-edition, hand-stitched tank tops emblazoned with the phrase 'Straight, but not Afraid of Glitter,' and 'I'm a Proud Ally...of My Own Abs.' Apparently, inclusivity is best expressed through exorbitant pricing and subtle flexing.

"I'm all about celebrating diversity," Thundercock explained in a press conference held amidst a shimmering pile of protein powder and his personal collection of commemorative Olympic medals (all gold, naturally). "But, like, not *too* diverse. My brand is about high-quality, hyper-masculine athletic wear, and those rainbow stripes? Not quite the vibe."

Critics have called the line a thinly veiled cash grab, but Thundercock has doubled down, explaining that the profits will go to fund his future endeavors, which includes buying a small island where he will practice his weightlifting regimen undisturbed by "the incessant rainbow washing of modern society." One can only imagine the kind of workout regimes he'll enforce on his shirtless, oiled-up personal training staff.

The move has ignited a furious debate on social media, with some praising Thundercock's 'authentic' brand, others calling him a homophobic bigot, and the rest simply confused as to how someone can simultaneously sell Pride gear and have abs that could curdle milk. The internet, as always, is baffled and highly entertained.