In a stunning display of corporate hypocrisy that would make even the most seasoned cynic blush, Gilded Gadget CEO, Barnaby Butterfield, today blocked his company's proposed Pride month advertising campaign citing concerns about ‘alienating the base.’ This ‘base,’ it should be noted, appears to consist primarily of people who have inexplicably strong feelings about the color scheme of Bluetooth headphones.
Butterfield, a man whose personal style can best be described as ‘dad who accidentally wore his wife’s blazer,’ issued a company-wide memo outlining his decision. The memo, which was reportedly longer than the average Tolstoy novel, detailed the financial risks involved in supporting LGBTQ+ rights. Interestingly, the memo made no mention of the financial risks involved in alienating a significant portion of the market, or indeed, in the general principle of basic human decency.
However, later that same day, Butterfield was spotted leading a rather enthusiastic family contingent on a lavishly decorated float in the city's annual Pride parade. The float, a shimmering testament to excess featuring a life-sized replica of Butterfield himself astride a unicorn (a rather ironic choice, given the memo's tone), was cheered wildly by onlookers. Children were observed reaching for candy tossed from the float, emblazoned with the Gilded Gadget logo.
When confronted by a bewildered reporter, Butterfield mumbled something about ‘family fun’ and ‘supporting local businesses’ before hurrying away, dropping a rainbow-colored lollipop in his haste. The lollipop, later confirmed to be from a small, locally-owned LGBTQ+-owned candy shop, appeared to be directly contradicted by his earlier memo. Sources inside Gilded Gadget suggest the float's presence might be due to a simple scheduling error – Butterfield apparently believed he was attending the annual ‘Family Fun Day’ parade, a completely separate event that has not been held in the city since 1987.
This bizarre turn of events has left employees and consumers alike scratching their heads, wondering if Butterfield's decision truly reflects corporate strategy or a spectacularly inept misunderstanding of current events. One employee, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing their job, simply commented: 'It's Gilded Gadget. What did you expect?', while clutching a mysteriously rainbow-colored stapler.
