In a stunning display of political acrobatics that would make even Simone Biles blush, Senator Thaddeus Bigglesworth, renowned for his staunch opposition to ‘the LGBTQ agenda’ (whatever *that* is, he’s never quite explained), has simultaneously endorsed a series of bills designed to roll back LGBTQ+ rights and… sponsored a petition demanding even *more* LGBTQ+ rights.
The Senator, who once famously compared same-sex marriage to ‘a badger wearing a tutu,’ now claims his actions are a ‘bold, nuanced approach to achieving true equality.’ This 'nuanced approach' involves signing legislation that would outlaw drag queen story time (apparently, children are far too fragile to handle the emotional trauma of a bearded man in a sparkly dress, but not the trauma of an ongoing political climate of fear and hate). Simultaneously, he launched a petition calling for the immediate recognition of polyamorous marriages, the construction of a nationwide network of gender-neutral public restrooms ('because inclusivity isn't just about pronouns, darling!'), and the mandatory inclusion of 'RuPaul's Drag Race' in the national school curriculum.
His spokesperson, Brenda McMuffin, explained that Senator Bigglesworth's actions are ‘a masterful display of political pragmatism.’ She elaborated, with alarming enthusiasm, that ‘The Senator recognizes the undeniable power of the LGBTQ+ community, and if we can't beat 'em, we might as well join 'em... and then subtly undermine them with poorly conceived legislation. It's a win-win!'
Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is reeling. Some are cautiously optimistic, comparing the situation to finding a twenty-dollar bill in a pile of your ex's dirty laundry. Others are convinced Bigglesworth is secretly a sentient AI trained on all the most contradictory talking points from Fox News and MSNBC, desperately trying to synthesize some semblance of meaning. Regardless, it seems the only thing more confusing than Senator Bigglesworth's actions is the state of American politics. We’ll have further updates when and if we ever figure it out. Until then, stay tuned for more updates on this ongoing saga of rainbows, red tape, and utter bewilderment.
