In a stunning development that's simultaneously groundbreaking and utterly predictable, renowned geneticist Dr. Bartholomew Butterscotch has announced that LGBTQ+ genes simply don't exist. This bombshell revelation came just hours before his lavish, rainbow-themed wedding to his husband, Chad Chadlington III, a prominent influencer known for his viral 'Avocado Toast Tuesdays' and suspiciously sculpted eyebrows.
Dr. Butterscotch, whose groundbreaking research has mostly involved meticulously cataloging the genetic makeup of particularly fluffy Pomeranians, explained his findings in a press conference held in a yurt adorned with more pride flags than a Beyoncé concert. 'Years of rigorous study,' he declared, wielding a slide featuring a particularly blurry microscopic image, 'have led me to the inescapable conclusion: being gay, lesbian, bi, trans, or anything else on the fabulous spectrum is 100% a choice, like choosing between pineapple on pizza and the immediate cessation of all existence. Except, you know, way more fun.'
He further elaborated that his own same-sex marriage was, in fact, a 'controlled experiment' to prove that even those with a complete absence of 'the gay gene' (which, he insists, is definitely not a gene) can fall passionately in love with another person of the same gender. Chad, sporting a bespoke rainbow tuxedo and a surprisingly serene expression given the implications of his husband's research, simply winked and offered a bite of his gluten-free, vegan wedding cake (made with locally-sourced, fair-trade, ethically-sourced ingredients, naturally).
Critics, including several prominent scientists who have apparently never seen a Pomeranian, have denounced Dr. Butterscotch’s findings as ‘utterly nonsensical’ and ‘a profound insult to basic biological understanding.’ Butterscotch, however, remains unfazed. 'They're just salty because they haven't found the key to eternal youth through rigorous study of ridiculously fluffy dogs,' he quipped, before passionately kissing Chad. 'Science is a journey, and sometimes that journey takes you down the aisle with the love of your life. Though, honestly, it mostly involves counting chromosomes. Lots and lots of chromosomes.' The couple then promptly jetted off to their honeymoon in Mykonos, leaving behind a trail of bewildered scientists and a considerable amount of glitter.
