In a move that has sent shockwaves through the already fragile ecosystem of corporate wokeness, Preston Pancakes, CEO of the mega-corporation 'Pancakes R' Us', has banned gender-neutral bathrooms from all company locations. Sources say the decision was made after Preston witnessed a harrowing scene: two individuals, one identifying as a 'they/them' and the other sporting a magnificent handlebar mustache, simultaneously needing to use the facilities. The sheer existential dread of this moment, Preston later confessed, 'nearly cracked the spacetime continuum.'

Instead of embracing the progressive values of inclusivity, Preston has opted for a more… personal solution. He's built a state-of-the-art, gender-neutral bathroom in his own $17 million McMansion, complete with heated floors, a bidet that plays whale song, and a rainbow-colored urinal cake dispenser. Sources claim the urinal cakes change color to reflect the user's emotional state. "It's like a self-care spa for your… business," a spokesperson mumbled, visibly sweating.

Critics have labeled the move as a prime example of 'cis-privilege' run amok. Professor Dolores Umbridge-esque, head of Gender Studies at the University of Woketopia, stated, "This blatant disregard for the marginalized is a slap in the face to every non-binary individual who's ever had to awkwardly hover over a toilet seat. It's practically a hate crime against pronouns!"

Meanwhile, Preston Pancakes, sipping a soy latte from a mug that reads 'I identify as a wealthy capitalist,' remains unfazed. "My bathroom," he declared in a press release riddled with buzzwords like 'synergy' and 'paradigm shift,' "is a beacon of inclusivity… for me." The statement was then followed by a picture of Preston wearing a ‘Straight but not Narrow’ t-shirt while sitting on a toilet made of solid gold.