In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative heartland, Gwyneth Paltrow, purveyor of jade eggs and questionable wellness advice, has announced a full-blown embrace of the LGBTQ+ community. The announcement, delivered via a cryptic Instagram post featuring a picture of a kale smoothie next to a rainbow flag (naturally), caused an immediate meltdown among those who believe rainbows should only be found in Skittles, not on Instagram feeds.
Initially, Paltrow had apparently condemned her 'excessively enthusiastic' LGBTQ+ fanbase, claiming their dedication to her brand was 'a tad…extra'. But, in a move that only a multi-million-dollar wellness guru could pull off, she has turned this condemnation into a lucrative marketing opportunity. Her new line of products, “Goop Goes Gay: Because Wellness Is For Everyone (Even the Queers),” features such groundbreaking items as a $250 ‘Gay Affirmation Candle’ (scented with ‘lavender and liberation’) and ‘Queer-Infused Kombucha’ which Paltrow assures us contains 'a potent blend of probiotics and fabulousness'.
The internet, as you might expect, is having a field day. Some comments include:
* "Is nothing sacred? My grandpappy's homophobia can't handle this!"
* "I'm switching to organic hate. It's much more authentic."
* "I demand a refund for all the straight-washed kale I've consumed!"
Experts predict that Paltrow’s ‘gay pivot’ will only further fuel the culture wars. One prominent conservative pundit, whose name we will protect because we're surprisingly humane, was quoted as saying, "This is the slippery slope we've been warning about! Next, they'll be adding glitter to mayonnaise!"
However, LGBTQ+ activists are celebrating the irony with the same level of enthusiasm that Paltrow shows for questionable ‘detox’ teas. "It's a testament to the power of our community," one activist quipped. "We’re so fabulous, even Gwyneth has to capitalize on us." The activist then took a sip of his ‘Queer-Infused Kombucha’ and declared, ‘It tastes like victory.’
