In a stunning turn of events that's simultaneously baffling and suspiciously convenient, renowned (and wildly homophobic, according to several anonymous sources who are definitely *not* fictional characters named Chad and Brad) scientist Dr. Reginald Hardcastle has announced a complete ban on all LGBTQ+ health studies. His reasoning? 'Too much rainbows. Distracting from my genius.'

Dr. Hardcastle, who styles himself as a 'champion of heteronormativity' and whose lab coat mysteriously smells faintly of lavender (ironic, much?), claims these studies are 'biased' and 'unnecessary'. He further stated that the existence of diverse sexual orientations is merely a ‘phase’ akin to believing in the tooth fairy, or trusting a politician’s campaign promises. We're not entirely sure if this was a genuine statement or his attempt at a quirky dad joke.

However, the real shocker? Simultaneously with his ban, Dr. Hardcastle unveiled his groundbreaking new invention: 'Hetero-to-Homo-Harmony Harmonizer 5000,' a device he claims can effectively 'realign' individuals' sexual orientations. Details are scarce, but we understand it involves a complex algorithm, copious amounts of glitter, and what he calls 'therapeutic exposure to RuPaul's Drag Race'. Early (and highly anecdotal) reports suggest that test subjects now spend their days singing show tunes, perfecting their contouring, and having surprisingly insightful discussions about the politics of high heels.

When questioned about the seeming contradiction between his ban and his invention, Dr. Hardcastle simply replied, 'It’s a cure! The best cure for being different is just… not being different! Think of it as a 'straightening' process—a kind of… spiritual ironing for the soul!'. He then added, somewhat ominously, 'And it works best with a nice cup of chamomile tea. Organic, of course.'

Naturally, the scientific community is divided. Some are calling for his immediate incarceration (and a thorough lab inspection, mostly for the glitter), while others—mostly those who've benefited from the early trial runs, apparently—are excitedly planning a pride parade celebrating Dr. Hardcastle’s, shall we say, *unique* approach to 'diversity'. Meanwhile, the FDA remains silent, likely still trying to decipher his scientific papers (which are apparently written entirely in haiku). The saga continues… but probably only on streaming services, because reality is now a dumpster fire wrapped in a unicorn onesie.