In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of…well, let’s just say *discomfort*…through the usually placid waters of Willow Creek Elementary, third-grade teacher Mildred Crabtree has declared war on gender-neutral bathrooms. Not content with simply muttering about ‘the good ol’ days’ to her pet goldfish, Bubbles, Mildred has penned a fiery op-ed for *Gay Times* magazine, arguing that the lack of separate facilities for ‘ladies’ and ‘gents’ is ‘a direct assault on the sanctity of…well, everything.’
Her article, titled ‘They’re Taking Our Toilets! (And My Precious Sentiments!)’, is a rollercoaster of bewildering arguments. She claims gender-neutral bathrooms are ‘a gateway drug to…communism,’ and alleges that the presence of both genders in the same lavatory ‘directly correlates to the rise in avocado toast prices.’ (Economists remain baffled.) She further argues that the ‘rainbow-colored soap dispensers’ are a blatant attempt to ‘indoctrinate our children into…liking rainbows.’
Ms. Crabtree, who apparently wears a ‘Keep Calm and Carry a Crossbow’ t-shirt under her cardigan, has garnered both support and scorn. A group of parents, calling themselves ‘The Concerned Karens of Willow Creek,’ have rallied behind her, armed with prayer beads and copies of the Constitution (the original, handwritten one, naturally). Meanwhile, a counter-protest, featuring a drag queen reading group and a bouncy castle shaped like a giant penis (allegedly a ‘symbol of inclusivity’), has brought significant traffic to the usually quiet suburb.
In an exclusive interview (conducted over Zoom, while she simultaneously knitted a tiny, aggressively heteronormative dollhouse), Ms. Crabtree told us: ‘It’s all gone too far! Next thing you know, they’ll be making us all wear glitter leggings and sing K-Pop songs! It's a slippery slope to…more fun, actually. But I don’t want fun! I want…segregated bathroom stalls!’.
As for *Gay Times*, the magazine’s editor, Chad Thundercock (yes, really), confirmed that Mildred’s article has already sold out their entire print run, adding: ‘We’re not sure what she’s talking about, but the sheer absurdity of it all is pure gold.’ The magazine is currently in talks with Ms. Crabtree about a possible follow-up piece titled, ‘My Struggle Against the Tyranny of…Slightly More Colorful Toilet Paper.’ Stay tuned!
