In a shocking twist that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community (and slightly bewildered the LGBTQ+ one), renowned homophobe-adjacent talk show host, Tucker Carlson, has launched a new program: 'Pride and Prejudice...and Plenty of Paid Pride Parades!' The show, inexplicably, features a rotating cast of LGBTQ+ individuals – from drag queens who moonlight as astrophysicists to non-binary CEOs of Fortune 500 companies who also happen to be champion competitive eaters.
Carlson, in a move that can only be described as 'peak irony' or possibly 'a desperate attempt to boost ratings,' mocks LGBTQ+ issues in his signature condescending manner while simultaneously showering his guests with an almost excessive amount of praise. One segment saw him interviewing a gender-fluid baker named ‘Alexis’ who created a cake shaped like a giant rainbow dildo. While Carlson visibly cringed, he simultaneously lauded Alexis' 'entrepreneurial spirit' and her 'exceptional piping skills', leaving viewers utterly baffled.
'It's like watching a car crash in slow motion,' says one viewer, 'except the car is a pink convertible filled with glitter, and the crash involves a unicorn.' Another added, 'I'm pretty sure Carlson is secretly planning a Pride parade in his dreams... a parade involving tiny, judgmental squirrels and aggressively cheerful hamsters.'
The show's success, if you can call it that, lies in its bewildering contradictions. One moment, Carlson is lamenting the 'decline of traditional values' (apparently excluding the traditional value of having diverse guests on your show for the sake of viewership), the next he's breathlessly discussing the 'fascinating intricacies of polyamorous relationships' with a panel of experts who happen to all be named 'Chad' (possibly a coincidence, possibly not).
The series finale, rumored to feature a live debate between Carlson and a gender-non-conforming alpaca named 'Kim Petras,' is already generating more controversy than a family reunion at a vegan potluck. Stay tuned… if you dare.
