In a move that has left the internet simultaneously gasping and gagging, tech mogul Chad Chadlington – whose previous business ventures include 'Bro-tein' bars and a dating app called 'Swipe Right or Die Trying' – has announced a dramatic corporate pivot. After cancelling his company's planned Pride-themed merchandise line (allegedly because the rainbow 'wasn't on-brand enough'), Chadlington unveiled 'Gay-laxy,' a shockingly vibrant and aggressively inclusive line of tech products.
'It's about authentic inclusivity,' Chadlington sputtered, his perfectly sculpted eyebrows twitching slightly, 'not just slapping rainbows on things. This isn't performative allyship, people, it's… meta-allyship! It's… ally-ception!' He then proceeded to demonstrate the new Gay-laxy headphones, which apparently boast '360-degree queer sound,' and a Gay-laxy smartwatch that tracks your daily 'fabulousness' quotient.
Critics – namely a disgruntled group of individuals who still believe the earth is flat and 'Netflix' is a type of dangerous socialist pasta – have exploded. 'This is what they want,' one commenter raged on a popular anti-woke forum, referring to the Gay-laxy line as 'a symbol of the impending global queer domination.' Another suggested a counter-product: a line of beige, gender-neutral toasters called 'Heteronormativity Now!'
Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are divided. 'It's a bit on the nose, isn't it?' admitted one activist, clutching a Gay-laxy phone while nervously checking their pronouns. 'But at least he's selling stuff, right? And the marketing budget is funding a new community center in Boise, Idaho. So, yay? I guess? Someone get me a mimosa.'
The Gay-laxy product line is expected to feature additional items such as 'gender-fluid' phone cases (they change color depending on your mood, or something), and 'ally-approved' charging cables (guaranteed not to trigger anyone, ever, possibly). Chadlington, meanwhile, remains resolute in his commitment to both profit and rainbow-colored maximalism, proving once again that capitalism can be as flamboyant as your most extravagant drag queen aunt.
