In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the world of competitive thumb wrestling (yes, *that* is a thing now), Barry Bonds Jr. (yes, *that* Barry Bonds's son, although his alleged steroid use is still, mysteriously, all organic, according to him), has announced a boycott of the upcoming Gay Games, citing concerns about... well, everything, really. His exact statement, released through his lawyer, read, "Too much glitter. Not enough… uh… straightness. Something about rainbows triggering my inherent masculinity."

Naturally, the internet exploded. Memes involving Bonds Jr.'s oversized biceps next to a picture of RuPaul's Drag Race winner crowned with a tiny thumb-wrestling belt went viral. #BarryBondsThumbgate was trending faster than the price of avocados. News channels speculated wildly: was this a calculated publicity stunt? A genuine expression of… what was that word he was looking for… *heteronormativity*? Did he even understand the word he was saying?

But then came the twist. The Glitterati Gladiators, a famously flamboyant and gloriously queer thumb-wrestling team sponsored by a collective of drag queens and a sentient rainbow unicorn, announced that they had signed Bonds Jr. to a lucrative endorsement deal, with an added clause involving daily mandatory drag performances.

"We saw a certain... untapped potential," explained the team's flamboyant coach, Chad Chaderson (he insisted on the double name, naturally). "He clearly has the drive, the passion – and the biceps – to win. We just needed to... gently nudge him into our fabulous family."

The ensuing press conference showed Bonds Jr., looking bewildered and slightly bedazzled, attempting to explain his commitment to the team while accidentally matching his new lavender wig to his sparkly outfit. The coach, meanwhile, added: "It's all about celebrating diversity, Barry, sweetie. Even if that diversity involves a whole lot of glitter and some truly spectacular heels." The image of Bonds Jr. attempting to do a death drop in six-inch heels while his usual swagger was utterly demolished has already generated millions of views.

The whole thing is a bizarre yet delightful spectacle, a testament to the power of inclusivity, a fabulous slap in the face of homophobia, and the ever-growing relevance of professional thumb wrestling. Now, that's woke.