In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of – dare we say it – *rainbow* ripples through the usually beige landscape of Millwood Elementary, third-grade teacher Mildred Crabtree, 57, has declared war on gender-neutral pronouns…and then immediately penned a heartfelt, glitter-bomb-laden essay for *Queer Quarterly* explaining why.
Ms. Crabtree, previously known for her unwavering devotion to cursive writing and a disconcerting fondness for cardigans featuring kittens in tiny berets, has apparently undergone a radical transformation. Sources say the catalyst was a school-wide initiative to replace the traditional 'boys' and 'girls' restrooms with gender-neutral facilities. This, according to Ms. Crabtree’s explosive essay (titled, rather dramatically, 'They/Them? More Like Them/Threaten My Sanity!'), was the final straw.
"It's the ze/zir pronouns that got me," she confesses in the piece. "Honestly, I almost choked on my beige biscuit. My carefully constructed world of gender binaries, neatly tucked into my sensible cardigan pocket, just…exploded!"
However, this isn't just a tale of one woman's struggle against the tide of inclusivity. Oh no. In a stunning plot twist, Ms. Crabtree’s essay reveals she’s secretly a champion of LGBTQ+ rights. Her article is a kaleidoscope of dazzling insights, including a comparison between the fight for gender-neutral bathrooms and the valiant struggle of the Spice Girls to achieve world domination (she particularly identifies with Ginger Spice's fiery spirit, naturally). It also features an unexpectedly detailed analysis of the use of glitter in protest art, and a rather provocative suggestion that using the term 'woke' is now hopelessly passé.
The school board, naturally, is in a state of utter disarray. Superintendent Henderson, a man whose fashion sense mirrors his approach to controversial issues (beige on beige, all the way), is reportedly attempting to understand the essay while simultaneously struggling to master the art of the 'gender-affirming nod'.
In the meantime, Ms. Crabtree's third graders are holding a 'Pronoun Party' on Friday, complete with a gender-neutral piñata shaped like a unicorn wearing a tiny cardigan and a beret. The irony, of course, is completely lost on them. And probably on Ms. Crabtree, too. She seems quite content with the chaos, as long as there's enough glitter involved.
