Millwood High School's resident grinch, Ms. Agnes Periwinkle, initially planned to start a club to ‘monitor’ the activities of the school’s burgeoning LGBTQ+ alliance, convinced it was a den of ‘liberal indoctrination’ and ‘rainbow-colored devilry.’ She envisioned a club where she could discreetly report any ‘suspicious’ displays of affection (holding hands? A crime against nature, apparently), and subtly undermine the ‘woke agenda.’ Instead, she accidentally created the most fabulous, glitter-bomb-filled safe space this side of the Mississippi.
Periwinkle, whose understanding of LGBTQ+ issues apparently ended with the 1950s sitcom 'Leave It to Beaver', armed herself with a clipboard, a magnifying glass, and a suspiciously large supply of chamomile tea. Her plan? To infiltrate and expose the ‘evil’ within the ‘Gays Against Straightness’ club (her term, not theirs). But fate, it seems, had other plans, or, perhaps, a really good drag show.
During her first 'monitoring' session, she witnessed a breathtaking display of 'suspicious activity': students crafting flamboyant banners, brainstorming drag queen names (suggestions included ‘RuPaul 2.0’ and ‘Trumpy’s Nemesis’), and practicing their ‘slay’ with impressive confidence. Apparently, the 'indoctrination' involved learning to contour and lip-sync. Periwinkle, who’d spent her life believing that ‘enthusiasm’ was a communist plot, found herself oddly captivated.
Then came the bake sale. A bake sale that featured gender-neutral cupcakes (chocolate and vanilla, because labels are oppressive), a rainbow array of cookies, and, most shockingly, a cake decorated with a picture of Laverne Cox wearing a crown made of gummy bears. Ms. Periwinkle not only failed to report the ‘culinary chaos’, she purchased three of everything. She even attempted a (hilariously disastrous) attempt at a death drop, resulting in a spectacular fall onto a mountain of rainbow-colored sprinkles.
Sources say she now identifies as 'fluid' (she is fluid with her glitter, primarily) and insists on addressing the club members as 'My Fabulous Children'. Her chamomile tea has been replaced by a surprisingly extensive collection of artisanal kombuchas, and her formerly monochrome wardrobe now includes a dazzling selection of sequined capes. The school is planning a Pride parade for next month. Ms. Periwinkle's float? An elaborate, bejeweled unicorn, naturally.
