In a shocking turn of events that has the woke brigade both cheering and clutching their pearls, renowned Olympic sprinter Chad Thundercock (yes, really) has refused to wear a Pride flag on his uniform, citing concerns about the flag's potential to 'restrict his wind resistance.' This, naturally, has sparked a firestorm of outrage among those who clearly missed the memo that Chad’s entrepreneurial spirit is as fast as his 100-meter dash.

Instead of conforming to what he calls 'rainbow conformity,' Chad has launched his own wildly successful line of Pride merchandise. The line, ironically titled "Chad's Pride: Own Your Rainbow," features limited-edition tracksuits adorned with shimmering unicorns and glitter-bomb explosions, alongside a surprisingly popular line of 'Straight Ally' themed socks featuring the slogan, 'I Support My Gay Friends… But Mainly Because They Make the Best Cupcakes.'

"The corporate sponsorship deals are rolling in faster than I can say 'inclusivity,'" Chad bragged in a recent interview, wearing a sequined blazer and a rainbow-colored fedora that somehow manages to be both flamboyant and menacing. "People are finally realizing that true allyship isn’t about adhering to some pre-packaged, politically correct narrative. It's about embracing the capitalist rainbow and making a profit off the struggle. It's about making rainbow-colored money, darling!"

Critics, however, remain unimpressed. "This whole thing is just performative allyship masquerading as a business venture," sniffed Professor Gertrude Steinway, a gender studies professor whose expertise is entirely based on writing self-indulgent tweets about the patriarchy. "He's literally capitalizing on the very community he’s seemingly rejecting. It’s disgusting… and I need to add this to my next grant proposal about the socio-economic implications of rainbow-colored capitalism."

Despite the criticism, Chad remains unfazed, already planning his next entrepreneurial venture: a line of pride-themed energy drinks fueled by the tears of homophobes. "It's going to be the biggest thing since sliced bread, possibly even bigger than kale smoothies," he promised. The question is not if the line will succeed, but how many rainbow-colored private jets Chad will need to transport all that sweet, sweet rainbow capitalist cash.