In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make even a quantum physicist scratch their head, social media influencer Brenda Boop – known for her aggressively curated feed of perfectly filtered avocado toast and suspiciously symmetrical dog photos – has launched a campaign promoting gender-neutral fashion while simultaneously advocating for a return to… well, let's just call it ‘traditional gender roles’ with a side of aggressively heterosexual mayonnaise.
Brenda, whose Instagram bio proudly boasts her love for ‘organic kale smoothies and patriarchal family structures,’ has recently released a line of ‘unisex’ jumpsuits made entirely from ethically sourced, sustainably harvested, and suspiciously expensive hemp. At the same time, she’s been posting videos featuring her “alpha male” husband, Chad, lovingly preparing her a three-course dinner in an aggressively floral apron.
"Honey, I want my gender expression to be fluid and free," Brenda explained in a recent Instagram story while simultaneously instructing Chad to “tuck the parsley into the salmon just so”. The comments section immediately exploded with a mixture of confused emojis, outraged conservatives, and people subtly suggesting Brenda may be a performance artist exploring the absurdities of modern gender discourse.
"It’s all about balance, darlings!" Brenda chirped in a subsequent TikTok, showcasing her gender-neutral jumpsuit paired with perfectly polished high heels and Chad, looking increasingly gaunt and apron-stained, attempting to perfectly julienne carrots. "We're embracing the power of female empowerment while simultaneously upholding the timeless, beautiful, heteronormative traditions of a woman having a man who does the dishes."
Critics have labeled Brenda’s campaign a blatant example of performative wokeness, arguing that her message is essentially ‘be gender-neutral… unless you’re a man, then wear an apron and be domestically subservient.’ However, Brenda insists that her followers are simply ‘too triggered’ to understand her profoundly nuanced message which she claims embodies 'progressive patriarchy' – a term she invented and seems to consider self-explanatory. Some are suggesting the launch of a “Chad-free” jumpsuit line; the possibilities are endless, and delightfully absurd.
