In a stunning twist that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community, renowned athlete Chad Thundercock – known for his surprisingly toned calves and staunchly traditional views on footwear – has refused to wear a pair of rainbow-colored running shoes provided by his sponsor, SparkleMotion Athletic Wear. The ensuing outrage, predictably, has been deafening. Conservatives are calling it ‘a blatant assault on the sanctity of beige.’

However, in a move that could either be hailed as a stroke of genius or the ultimate act of performative allyship (depending on your political persuasion), Thundercock has announced the launch of his own LGBTQ+ apparel line: ‘Gay-laxy.’ The collection features a range of eye-catching garments, including shimmering ‘Pride Pants’ (described as ‘so sparkly, they’ll make your grandma question her life choices’), ‘Queercore Crocs’ (featuring detachable rainbow Jibbitz that can be rearranged to express your micro-aggressions), and the controversial ‘Bi-kini’ (a two-piece swimsuit with a color gradient that shifts subtly throughout the day).

"It's not about the rainbows, people," Thundercock explained in a press conference held in front of a strategically placed Pride flag (which he admitted was rented), "It's about the marketing opportunities. Besides, those rainbow shoes clashed terribly with my tan. Gay-laxy lets me express my love for inclusivity while remaining true to my brand: Chad Thundercock – still kinda straight, but open to suggestions."

Critics have slammed the collection as ‘capitalizing on queer culture’ while supporters hail it as ‘a masterpiece of woke capitalism.’ Others have simply pointed out that the ‘Gay-laxy’ logo looks suspiciously similar to a certain galactic-themed fast-food chain’s logo…but with more glitter. The controversy continues, proving once again that the only thing more unpredictable than a Chad Thundercock endorsement is the unpredictable whims of the market.