In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of terror (and possibly some delightful frisson) through the hallowed halls of heteronormativity, mega-hunk Chad Thundercock – known for his roles in such cinematic masterpieces as *Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Chad Awakening* and *Fifty Shades of Bro* – has vehemently denied rumors of his bisexuality.

"I'm as straight as an arrow... a very, very, *very* expensive, hand-crafted, bespoke arrow made of solid platinum," Chad declared in a statement released through his publicist (who is rumored to be secretly a gender-fluid performance artist moonlighting as a PR guru). The statement went on to insist that his collection of silk scarves and his penchant for interpretive dance were purely coincidental and definitely not indicative of any latent… *ahem*… fluidity.

However, just hours after this staunch declaration of heterosexual dominance, eagle-eyed members of the internet (which, let's face it, is basically an international hive mind of suspiciously-well-informed gossips) noticed Chad's profile on the popular bi-dating app 'BiCurious?' – the app that’s single-handedly responsible for the recent surge in artisanal beard oil sales.

This unexpected development has led to a flurry of online activity, with commentators weighing in on everything from Chad's sartorial choices (are those Gucci loafers subtly hinting at a hidden desire for… velveteen?), to whether his denial constitutes a micro-aggression against the bi community.

Some theorists, employing a rather unorthodox methodology involving astrology and the analysis of Chad's Instagram feed (particularly that one picture of him holding a single sunflower… is it symbolic? Probably.), have even posited that Chad's actions are a brilliant, multi-layered performance art piece designed to subvert societal expectations and expose the hypocrisy of the heteronormative narrative.

We contacted Chad for further clarification, but he responded only with a cryptic emoji sequence – 🍆🏳️‍🌈🙏🏼 – before abruptly logging off. It seems the patriarchy’s fight for its very soul is happening one flamboyant emoji at a time. Stay tuned… this is far from over.