In a stunning turn of events that has left conservative pundits sputtering into their lukewarm chamomile tea, Mayor Mildred McMillan, a woman whose public image previously resembled a poorly-lit portrait of Margaret Thatcher, has become the unlikely foster parent to seven children – each more flamboyantly queer than the last. Mayor McMillan, who just last week vehemently denounced gay adoption rights, citing concerns about ‘the delicate balance of traditional family values’ (apparently, she hadn't seen ‘Modern Family’), is now the proud guardian of a family that makes the Addams Family look like a Quaker meeting.

The children, ranging in age from 8 to 16, identify as a diverse array of LGBTQ+ identities, including (but not limited to) genderfluid, pansexual, and non-binary. Their names? A gender-bending masterpiece: There's Bowie, Jagger, and Prince (naturally), alongside the more subtly queer-coded names such as Chad (short for Chardonnay) and Willow (who insists on being called Willow-Smith). One child even legally changed their name to 'Suspiria' because, as they explained, it "sounds fabulous and spooky."

Mayor McMillan, reportedly seen sporting a rainbow-striped cardigan and attempting a TikTok dance, was quoted as saying, "Well, bless my cotton socks! These children have truly…enlightened me. Their vibrant individuality is… inspirational. I'm suddenly seeing the 'values' in a whole new light… a very, very bright, rainbow-colored light."

Sources suggest the Mayor’s sudden shift in perspective may be linked to a particularly compelling rendition of Lizzo's ‘About Damn Time’ performed by the children during their first family karaoke night. Others point to the fact that the children now run the city council meetings and Mayor McMillan seems to be happily under their influence. Regardless, local bakeries are reporting record-breaking sales of glitter cupcakes.

Conservatives are struggling to process this development, with one particularly flustered commentator suggesting that the whole situation is ‘a woke Trojan horse… filled with fabulous drag queens and TikTok dances.’ Meanwhile, the children are planning a family trip to Pride. They're hoping the Mayor will join their float, themed "Grandma Got Run Over by a Rainbow."