In a stunning twist of irony that’s left the good people of Bumblefuck, Arkansas scratching their heads and re-evaluating their understanding of divine intervention, Pastor Thaddeus “The Hammer” Hamilton, a notorious opponent of drag performances who recently delivered a fire-and-brimstone sermon condemning the ‘sinful spectacle’ of drag, has unexpectedly won the coveted title of Miss Gay Arkansas 2024.
Hamilton, known for his staunchly anti-LGBTQ+ views and his collection of novelty ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’ bumper stickers, reportedly entered the competition as a ‘divine test’ of the morality of the judges. His performance, a surprisingly campy rendition of ‘Born This Way’ (ironically), featuring a wardrobe malfunction that revealed a pair of unexpectedly flamboyant, bedazzled briefs, apparently ‘transcended’ the judges’ expectations.
'He truly embodied the spirit of RuPaul's Drag Race,’ stated one judge, a self-proclaimed ‘recovering homophobe’ who wished to remain anonymous. 'His commitment to the bit, despite his previous pronouncements, was truly… inspiring. Plus, that death drop? Legendary.'
The victory has sparked outrage amongst certain groups, though mostly amongst those who couldn't get past Hamilton’s questionable lip-sync skills. Others have seen it as a sign that God is, in fact, a fabulous queen who loves a good twist.
Hamilton, accepting the crown in a shimmering, sequined gown, stated: 'God works in mysterious ways. I truly believe this victory is a message to the youth of today: if you truly believe in yourself, even if it’s to condemn drag queens, you can achieve your dreams—even if those dreams involve glitter, rhinestones and high heels.'
Meanwhile, social media is buzzing with memes depicting Hamilton’s transformation. #PastorSashayAway is trending, and several artists have already begun commissions for a new religious icon: ‘Saint Thaddeus, Patron Saint of Ironically Excellent Drag.’ The question now remains: will Hamilton use his newfound platform to champion LGBTQ+ rights, or will he continue his crusade against the very thing that made him famous? Only time – and the next drag competition – will tell. Stay tuned, and as RuPaul says, 'If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?' Especially if that somebody else is a newly-crowned drag queen who used to preach against you.
