In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and ablaze with thinkpieces longer than *The Lord of the Rings*, Chad Thundercock, CEO of MegaCorp (makers of the revolutionary new self-stirring coffee mug that also projects motivational affirmations – only slightly less revolutionary than the time they invented the wheel), has announced a sweeping new company policy: a complete ban on same-sex partnerships...followed immediately by a multi-million dollar partnership with the 'Gays for Capitalism' organization.
"Look, I'm not saying I *support* gay marriage," thundered Chad, during a press conference interrupted three times by interpretive dance and one awkward moment where a small dog wearing a tiny rainbow sweater inexplicably began reciting Shakespeare. "But I *do* support making a bunch of money off of the resulting controversy!"
The new policy, dubbed 'Operation Hetero-Normative Domination' (or 'OHND,' for short, much to the delight of HR), prohibits same-sex couples from receiving the company’s coveted 'Matching Spousal Mugs,' a perk previously described as 'the cornerstone of employee satisfaction.' Simultaneously, MegaCorp has unveiled a line of limited-edition 'Pride' mugs – emblazoned with Chad's face – donating a portion of the proceeds to 'Gays for Capitalism', a group known for its subtly aggressive marketing strategies and impressive collection of vintage ties.
"It's a win-win," Chad explained, adjusting his aggressively patterned paisley tie, "Employees lose their spousal mug benefits, we make bank from outrage, and somehow, we're helping the LGBTQ+ community. The whole thing is so fabulously ironic, it's practically performance art!" He then winked, accidentally knocking over a display of self-stirring mugs, only to reveal a hidden compartment containing an impressive collection of NFTs featuring depictions of Chad Thundercock riding a unicorn through a field of rainbow-colored money.
Critics have called the move a masterpiece of cynical marketing, a calculated gamble that plays on the anxieties of both conservatives and progressives. But Chad insists it's simply "good business." Whether this bold move signals a new era of corporate social responsibility or simply an ingenious way to sell more self-stirring mugs remains to be seen. One thing's for sure: it's giving 'peak capitalism' a whole new meaning.
