In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative bedrock of America, Chad Thundercock, the impossibly sculpted star of the action-movie franchise 'Explosions and Abs,' has vehemently denied rumors of his homosexuality, only to immediately follow up with the release of his surprisingly introspective 500-page autobiography, 'My Gay Awakening: From Frat Boy to Fluid.'

The denial, delivered via a surprisingly tearful Instagram live stream (interrupted twice by his publicist subtly adjusting his strategically placed abs), was met with confusion and, in some circles, mild outrage. "I am, and always have been, a straight man," Thundercock declared, his voice cracking slightly as he absentmindedly caressed a rainbow-colored fidget spinner. "Unless… you count all the emotionally intense, spiritually fulfilling, and physically demanding relationships I've had with other men. Then, maybe, I'm a little… fluid."

The accompanying memoir, however, paints a very different picture. Early reviews describe a vivid account of Chad's journey from stereotypical jock to self-proclaimed 'gender-fluid omnisexual demigod,' detailing numerous encounters with 'emotionally unavailable alpha males,' 'sensitive artist types,' and a memorable three-way with a pair of identical twins, one of whom is a licensed therapist. The book is already a bestseller, reportedly fueled by sales from both enraged homophobes (buying it to 'burn it' – many copies have been found conspicuously unread in their bookcases) and overjoyed LGBTQ+ readers (mostly for comedic value).

Experts are baffled, citing this as a new high in the ongoing culture war – a war that, according to some pundits, is now being waged primarily on Chad Thundercock's meticulously sculpted torso. One leading sociologist commented, "The inherent contradictions are stunning. It's as if Chad is simultaneously trolling the homophobes and providing a roadmap for emotionally liberated masculinity. It's… beautiful in its chaotic absurdity."

In response to the controversy, Chad Thundercock released another Instagram video – this time featuring him shirtless, holding a copy of his autobiography, and riding a unicorn. The caption simply read: "Embrace the fluidity, babes." The internet, predictably, exploded.