In a stunning turn of events that has left the good people of Bumblefuck, Iowa, simultaneously scandalized and mesmerized, Pastor Thaddeus Bile, renowned for his fire-and-brimstone sermons against the ‘unnatural’ evils of drag, has been unveiled as the star of the wildly popular touring drag show, "Halleloo-lujah! A Gospel Drag Extravaganza."
Pastor Bile, known for his pronouncements that drag queens are “an abomination unto the Lord” and a “gateway to…well, let's just say things that get you kicked out of Bingo night,” delivered a particularly passionate sermon last Sunday decrying the “satanic influence” of the upcoming drag show, complete with dramatic readings of Leviticus (selectively chosen verses, naturally). The sermon, which included a detailed, and frankly rather impressive, interpretive dance depicting the dangers of glitter, ended with Bile dramatically ripping his clerical collar to shreds... revealing a stunning fuchsia sequined jumpsuit underneath.
"The Lord works in mysterious ways," Bile declared to the bewildered congregation, before launching into a show-stopping rendition of "Amazing Grace" as a full-blown drag queen named 'Sister Sparkle-Bottom.' The performance, which included a death drop so fierce it sent several elderly parishioners to the emergency room, was met with both gasps of horror and wild applause.
"I've always said, the best way to fight fire is with fire... and a whole lotta glitter," Bile explained backstage, adjusting his voluminous wig. "Turns out, hellfire is surprisingly versatile."
The show, which features a diverse cast of drag queens including 'Mother Trucker' (a retired trucker who does surprisingly convincing Cher impersonations), and 'RuPaul’s Drag Race' alumna, 'Bob the Drag Queen,' has sold out in every city. Critics have hailed Bile's performance as both "a masterclass in hypocrisy" and "the most unexpected theological experience of the year."
Meanwhile, the Bumblefuck, Iowa, town council is considering renaming the town’s annual pie-eating contest to the ‘Sister Sparkle-Bottom Pie-Off,’ and local bakeries are reporting an unprecedented spike in demand for glitter-infused cupcakes. It seems that even the most fiery sermons can’t always prevent the tide of fabulousness.
