In a shocking revelation that's sent shockwaves through the cosmos and the Fox News green room, daytime talk show legend Oprah Winfrey announced yesterday that extraterrestrial beings are responsible for her bisexuality. During a tearful, yet somehow still impeccably-styled, segment on her show, Oprah recounted being abducted by ‘glittery, gender-fluid space lizards’ who, after probing her with unusually advanced dildos (patent pending), informed her that her ‘true, interdimensional self’ was ‘fluid like a nebula and twice as fabulous.’

"They showed me visions of… well, let's just say there were many, many rainbow-colored tentacles involved," Oprah choked back a sob, dabbing her eyes with a silk handkerchief that probably cost more than my annual salary. "And then, BAM! Bi-sexual awakening! It was like… a cosmic coming-out party, except instead of punch and cake, it was shimmering ectoplasm and alien smoothies. Apparently, they’re big on kale in Andromeda."

Conservative pundits are, predictably, losing their minds. Tucker Carlson, visibly sweating and clutching a pearl necklace his grandmother knitted for him (we suspect it’s enchanted against ‘woke’ ideology), called it "a blatant attack on the sanctity of… well, of straightness. And possibly also kale." Sean Hannity, meanwhile, is reportedly considering a career as a psychic medium to communicate with these ‘space lesbians,’ hoping to ‘un-bi’ Oprah through the power of prayer and aggressively priced Fox Nation subscriptions.

This development has led to heated debates across social media, with some praising Oprah for her courage in revealing her truth, while others insist it’s all a publicity stunt orchestrated by the lizard people to further their agenda of… well, nobody quite knows what their agenda is, but it definitely involves glitter and gender-affirming alien probes. The hashtag #AlienBiAwakening is currently trending, alongside #OprahIsMySpaceMom and, for some reason, #FreeBritney.

Regardless of the veracity of Oprah’s claims, one thing is certain: the lines between terrestrial reality and extraterrestrial queerness have officially been blurred. And in the words of the wise, glittery, gender-fluid space lizards, 'Get used to it, earthlings!'