In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community, Judge Thaddeus Grimshaw, known for his staunch opposition to same-sex parenting, has awarded full custody of six-year-old twins, Dylan and Payton (who, sources say, are already fluent in ‘gender-neutral’ pronoun usage and crafting elaborate gender reveal parties for their stuffed animals), to their two dads, Chad and Brad.
Grimshaw, previously known for his courtroom pronouncements resembling lines from a particularly homophobic episode of *Judge Judy*, stunned onlookers by issuing a ruling that not only granted custody but also praised the couple's 'exemplary commitment to fostering a gender-fluid, intersectional, and emotionally intelligent environment conducive to the twins' self-actualization.'
Sources suggest this dramatic shift in opinion may be attributed to Grimshaw’s newfound love for *RuPaul’s Drag Race*. ‘He’s been binge-watching it for three straight weeks,’ whispers one court clerk, requesting anonymity. ‘Apparently, he thinks Kandy Muse’s ‘Read U Wrote U’ speech is the Magna Carta of child-rearing.’
The decision has ignited a furious debate amongst certain conservative circles. ‘It’s cultural Marxism!’ cried one particularly agitated member of the Westboro Baptist Church, who somehow managed to misinterpret the ruling as an endorsement of pineapple on pizza. Others, equally baffled, began circulating petitions demanding that Grimshaw be forced to watch *The Price is Right* for the remainder of his life as punishment.
Meanwhile, Chad and Brad, sporting matching rainbow tutus (a gift from their ecstatic children), have vowed to continue their ‘revolutionary’ parenting style, which apparently involves bedtime stories about genderqueer superheroes and regular family visits to the local gender-affirming playground. Dylan and Payton, in a joint statement delivered in flawless Mandarin (picked up through one of their parents’ ‘woke’ language-learning apps), thanked the court for recognizing their 'right to choose which pronouns their father's wear on any given day'.
This case undeniably raises the question: is it possible to be too woke? The answer, according to Judge Grimshaw, apparently, is ‘No. Sashay away, bigots.’
