In a stunning twist that has sent shockwaves through the scientific community (and, frankly, the entire Twitterverse), renowned geneticist Dr. Chad Thundercock has announced the groundbreaking discovery that there is, in fact, no single gene responsible for homosexuality. His meticulously researched (and peer-reviewed by a panel of drag queens) paper, titled "Homosexuality: It's Not in Your Genes, It's in Your Heart… and Maybe Your Mom's Closet," has been met with a mixture of stunned silence and frantic homophobic pearl-clutching.
Dr. Thundercock's own personal life, however, provides a far more… flamboyant counterpoint to his research. Just hours after the paper’s release, he was spotted happily strolling through Central Park with two adorable, glitter-covered toddlers named Rainbow and Sparkle, who, according to sources, “clearly identified as gay at the age of two.”
"The research is conclusive!" declared the doctor, sporting a rainbow-striped lab coat. "There's no gay gene, but there ARE two incredibly precious, gender-nonconforming, fabulous little boys now residing in my home. It's a paradox, a beautiful, shimmering paradox. Like a unicorn wearing a tutu that dispenses organic kale smoothies."
Conservative groups are, predictably, in a state of utter meltdown. One representative from the organization "God Hates Sequins" was overheard muttering something about “liberal elites” and “the downfall of Western civilization” while clutching a rosary that, ironically, had a small, sparkly rainbow-colored charm dangling from it.
The internet, meanwhile, is having a field day. Memes depicting Dr. Thundercock as a gay-affirming, glitter-bomb-tossing superhero are trending, alongside #ChadThundercockIsMySpiritAnimal and countless variations on the phrase, "Science is gay now." Even Elon Musk tweeted, ‘Seems legit,’ before promptly deleting it and posting about Dogecoin.
Dr. Thundercock’s actions highlight the ongoing, complex debate surrounding nature versus nurture, sexuality, and the ever-increasingly fabulous existence of the modern world. He concludes, “Adopt a gay child. It's the best experiment ever.”
