In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and ablaze, renowned conservative commentator Tucker Carlson has launched a new dating app, "Straight Pride Connect." The app, initially touted as a haven for "traditional values" and "people who love America," has taken an unexpected turn. Sources within the development team (who wish to remain anonymous for fear of being forced to attend a mandatory sensitivity training session involving interpretive dance and glitter cannons) revealed that the app's algorithm actually prioritizes matches based on 'fluidity of self-expression'.

Apparently, Carlson's vision of "straight pride" involved a surprisingly inclusive approach, featuring profiles that boast a rainbow of self-identified sexual orientations, gender identities, and preferred pronouns, including several users claiming to be "demisexual centaurs." One early adopter, a self-described 'anarcho-capitalist polyamorous bear' named Chad Thundercock (yes, really), gushed, "It's like Tinder, but with more existential dread and less unsolicited dick pics."

Adding to the confusion, the app's launch party was headlined by RuPaul’s Drag Race alumni Bob the Drag Queen, who, while twerking on a pile of copies of "The Culture War" by James Lindsay, declared it 'a truly breathtaking paradigm shift in the landscape of heteronormative dating apps.' The ensuing chaos saw a brawl between a group of MAGA-hat-wearing men and a gaggle of genderfluid goths, a moment so quintessentially American it deserves its own national holiday.

Carlson's spokesperson, a woman named Brenda who oddly resembles a startled squirrel, released a statement claiming the entire thing was a ‘bold experiment in social engineering' – an experiment that is currently being heavily scrutinized by the FCC and an abnormally large number of angry, confused dads. The app has quickly become the number one download in the App Store, though Apple is still debating whether to classify it under "Dating" or "Performance Art."