In a move that has left even seasoned political pundits scratching their perfectly sculpted, gender-neutral eyebrows, Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch, known for his fiscal conservatism and surprisingly flamboyant floral shirts, has simultaneously blocked all state funding for LGBTQ+ initiatives and announced the creation of the ‘Bartholomew Butterscotch Hyper-Exclusive LGBTQ+ Scholarship for Exceptionally Talented, Exceptionally Privileged Individuals.’

The scholarship, which boasts a hefty $10,000 annual stipend and a lifetime supply of Butterscotch’s signature lavender-scented hand lotion, has been lauded by some as a ‘masterclass in ironic philanthropy.’ Others, less charitable, have described it as ‘the most flamboyant middle finger ever extended by a politician.’

"It’s about efficiency," Senator Butterscotch explained during a press conference held in a rainbow-striped yurt, complete with a miniature petting zoo featuring exclusively hypoallergenic alpacas. "Why waste taxpayer money on community centers when we can empower the truly exceptional individuals within the LGBTQ+ community? Think of it as… Darwinism, but glitterier."

The scholarship’s criteria are, to put it mildly, perplexing. Applicants must demonstrate exceptional talent in any field – provided that field aligns perfectly with Senator Butterscotch’s ever-changing whims. Past favorites have included competitive goldfish breeding, interpretive dance involving interpretive spoons, and the creation of hyperrealistic miniature topiaries of the Senator himself. This year’s highly anticipated new criterion? Advanced expertise in the art of perfectly-folded linen napkins. This, apparently, is key to ‘unlocking one’s true potential.’

Critics argue that the scholarship perpetuates systemic inequality by creating an even more exclusive elite within the already marginalized LGBTQ+ community, essentially saying, "Only *some* queers deserve money."

But the Senator remains unfazed. "Call it woke capitalism," he winked, before adjusting his rainbow-colored monocle, a gift from last year’s scholarship winner, renowned competitive pickle enthusiast, Chad Chadlington. "Call it… whatever you want. Just call me visionary." The senator then proceeded to present the scholarship’s first recipient, a miniature poodle trained to recite Shakespeare, with a life-size portrait of himself fashioned entirely from rainbow-colored marshmallows. The internet promptly exploded.

Stay tuned for further developments in this utterly baffling, yet strangely captivating, saga.