In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make even a quantum physicist blush, renowned astrophysicist Professor Quentin Quibble yesterday dismissed so-called 'queer theories' as 'utter poppycock' before delivering a surprisingly well-received keynote address at the International Conference on Gender Studies titled, 'The Existential Dread of the Gender-Fluid Avocado'.

Professor Quibble, whose previous work famously debunked the existence of parallel universes (except, of course, for the one where everyone is a flawlessly symmetrical, six-foot-tall, platinum-blond supermodel), opened his speech with a robust defense of 'traditional' scientific models. He claimed that, “the idea that gravity might be slightly more attracted to certain genders is… frankly, ludicrous.” He then went on to cite the limited observational data supporting the existence of unicorns, which he felt analogously undermined the credibility of gender-neutral pronouns.

However, just hours later, Professor Quibble charmed attendees with his keynote. He eloquently explored the anxieties of the sentient avocado struggling with its self-identity, positing that the struggle mirrored humanity's own wrestling with evolving gender norms. His detailed PowerPoint presentation, featuring stunning close-ups of exquisitely-ripened avocados, left the audience captivated. It included a segment on the 'heteronormative oppression faced by particularly round avocados,' and a tear-jerking rendition of 'Imagine' played on the ukulele.

"He completely contradicted himself," noted a confused attendee, clutching a gender-fluid avocado keychain. "But honestly? That ukulele performance...pure magic." Another attendee, identified only as 'Chad Thunderc**k,' muttered something about 'cancel culture' and 'the downfall of Western civilization,' before conspicuously purchasing three copies of Quibble's new book, 'Astrophysics for the Gender-Non-Conforming: A Guide to Stargazing While Wearing Heels.'

The incident sparked a heated debate online, with some calling for Quibble's immediate expulsion from the scientific community, while others praised his 'brave and surprisingly insightful' presentation. Professor Quibble, however, remained elusive, last seen attempting to build a gender-neutral time machine out of repurposed avocado pits and a very confused-looking hamster. We await with bated breath the results.