In a twist more dramatic than a RuPaul's Drag Race elimination, Pastor Bob Dole of the 'Perfectly Straight and Narrow' Baptist Church in Bumblefuck, Iowa, found himself the unwitting star of a very queer spectacle. Pastor Dole, known for his staunch opposition to 'anything remotely fun,' recently banned rainbow flags from his church, declaring them 'instruments of the devil's pride parade'. He further elaborated that the presence of rainbows constituted 'a clear and present danger to the sanctity of heteronormativity'.
Ironically, during his Sunday sermon on the evils of LGBTQ+ acceptance – a sermon that involved a surprisingly detailed analysis of the perceived sins of 'kinky boots' and the supposed dangers of 'gender-fluid fashion' – the pastor discovered he was, shall we say, *under the influence* of a giant rainbow flag. It seems the church's newly installed, 'state-of-the-art' retractable roof malfunctioned, revealing a colossal rainbow flag, inexplicably left behind by a 'Pride' event hosted (and promptly canceled due to 'concerns about satanic rituals') the previous weekend.
The scene, captured on multiple cell phones and quickly going viral on TikTok, showed a bewildered Pastor Dole attempting to preach about the 'unnaturalness' of rainbows while standing directly beneath one the size of a small car. One particularly sharp-witted commenter on social media quipped: "Maybe God's trying to tell him something... like, maybe chill out?" Others have suggested that the flag's sheer size is an example of "God's subtle but insistent message of unconditional love and acceptance." Even conservative commentators were stunned into silence, a silence only broken by the gentle rustling of hundreds of rainbow-colored sashes hastily bought from Etsy.
Pastor Dole, meanwhile, remains unconvinced. He’s attributed the incident to the work of 'liberal arts college-educated devil worshippers', and plans to hold a special prayer session on Tuesday involving a mandatory viewing of the film 'The Exorcist' – presumably in hopes of exorcising the rainbow from his memory, though the lingering scent of glitter remains strongly contested. This event will feature a special appearance by noted homophobe, and self-proclaimed 'heterosexual hero,' Chad Thundercock, who will be providing a lecture on the dangers of “excessive acceptance.” It is reported that Chad has already chosen his outfit – a dazzling sequin suit with a feather boa, ironically. The irony, evidently, is lost on Chad.
In the meantime, the church has become a minor tourist attraction, and its fundraising coffers have received a rather unexpected boost thanks to sales of T-shirts emblazoned with the phrase: 'I Survived Pastor Dole's Accidental Pride Sermon'. Ironically, the shirts themselves use bright rainbow colors.
