Local elementary school teacher, Ms. Delores Periwinkle (a woman whose floral blouses outnumber her progressive thoughts, apparently), recently launched a campaign against the school's burgeoning LGBTQ+ club, citing concerns about ‘age-inappropriateness’ and the ‘unnatural influence’ of glitter. Delores, whose Pinterest board is suspiciously devoid of anything resembling acceptance, vowed to personally monitor the club's activities. What followed was, to put it mildly, unexpected.

Armed with a clipboard and a suspicious amount of judgement, Delores first attempted to infiltrate the club disguised as a particularly frumpy parent. Her plan was foiled when she accidentally joined the 'Glitter Bomb Squad' and ended up face-down in a pile of iridescent confetti. From there, things took a rather… queer turn.

Turns out, the club wasn't some subversive plot to indoctrinate children into the ways of drag, as Delores initially suspected. Instead, it was a haven of vibrant self-expression, filled with kids who were creating stunning works of art, engaging in empathetic discussions, and planning a bake sale to benefit a local trans youth shelter. Delores, initially horrified by the sight of pre-teens discussing gender identity with more nuance than she possessed, found herself oddly charmed. The club's president, a charming 10-year-old named Chad Thundercock (yes, really), quickly schooled her on pronouns, allyship, and the surprising joys of crafting tiny rainbow-colored protest signs.

Now, Delores – who was initially planning a fiery speech about the dangers of ‘gender ideology’ – is not only the club's new treasurer, but also the self-proclaimed 'Head Glitter-Applicator'. She even started a TikTok account, @GlitterGrannyGoesGay, where she documents her newfound enthusiasm for RuPaul's Drag Race and her attempts to learn the latest vogueing moves. (Her moves, we must admit, are… unique.) The school board is currently grappling with a new problem: how to explain to the outraged PTA that their most outspoken homophobe is now hosting a Pride parade for the kindergarteners, complete with a performance by Chad and the Glitter Bomb Squad. One thing's for sure: This story is more fabulous than a $50,000 Chanel handbag.