In a stunning display of theological gymnastics that would make even Simone Biles blush, Pastor Mike “The Hammer” Hammersmith of the ‘Praise the Lord and Shun the Gays’ Pentecostal Church has once again proven that irony is the only sin he truly understands. Last Sunday, Hammersmith delivered a fiery sermon condemning homosexuality as an abomination, a perversion, and a direct affront to his perfectly coiffed hair. He likened gay marriage to “a unicorn riding a unicycle while juggling chainsaws – it’s unnatural, dangerous, and quite frankly, bad for the economy.”
However, just 48 hours later, the same Pastor Mike, sporting a suspiciously fresh lavender-scented handkerchief, officiated the wedding of Chad and Brad, two delightfully dapper gentlemen whose love story started at a unicorn-themed yoga retreat. Sources say the ceremony involved glitter cannons, a five-tiered rainbow wedding cake (gluten-free, naturally), and a surprisingly moving rendition of Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' – sung by the pastor himself, and quite badly, according to eyewitnesses.
"It was...unexpected," admitted Chad, dabbing his eyes with a sequined tissue. "I mean, his sermon was basically a PowerPoint presentation on why we should be burning in hell, but the cake was amazing. I'm still not sure what kind of divine intervention brought about this spectacular contradiction, but the Instagram likes are off the charts!"
When questioned about this apparent inconsistency, Pastor Hammersmith released a statement: "Let's just say God works in mysterious ways. And sometimes, those ways involve a very lucrative side hustle performing same-sex weddings for wealthy homosexuals who clearly haven't grasped the seriousness of their…lifestyle choices. The Lord provides, you know? Especially when it involves a solid donation to my new 'Conversion Therapy-Free' vacation home in the Bahamas."
Meanwhile, Twitter is ablaze with memes depicting Pastor Mike as everything from a hypocritical chameleon to a walking, talking paradox. The only certainty is that he's single-handedly redefined the term 'spiritual evolution' – one ridiculously expensive wedding at a time.
