In a shocking turn of events that has left the perpetually-outraged clutching their pearls tighter than ever, renowned activist Brenda ‘The Hammer’ Hammersmith has banned all gender-neutral restrooms. Not out of some bizarre transphobic fit, mind you. Oh no. Brenda, a self-proclaimed ‘gender-fluid fluidity enthusiast’ (a title she apparently bestowed upon herself during a particularly potent ayahuasca ceremony), has deemed all public restrooms ‘heteronormative hellscapes’ that stifle authentic self-expression.
Instead of engaging in the tedious process of reforming a fundamentally flawed system (and potentially interacting with cisgender people), Brenda has taken matters into her own hands. She has, in a move that can only be described as breathtakingly self-indulgent, converted her home bathroom into a ‘Queer Oasis of Self-Expression.’ This includes, but is not limited to: a life-sized cutout of RuPaul, a disco ball that emits glitter exclusively on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and a dedicated corner for interpretive dance – should the urge strike.
"The patriarchy's attempt to dictate where I pee is a microaggression of the highest order," Brenda declared during a press conference held entirely inside her aforementioned ‘oasis,’ which was, predictably, adorned with more rainbow flags than a Pride parade in San Francisco. "My home bathroom, on the other hand, is a sacred space, free from the oppressive gaze of binary gender roles. It’s a sanctuary, a haven, a... well, a bathroom. But a *very* woke bathroom."
Sources claim Brenda is planning a series of ‘bathroom liberation’ workshops, teaching attendees how to construct their own personal queer bathrooms. Enrollment is reportedly high amongst local drag queens, while straight, cisgender individuals are being encouraged to ‘check their privilege at the door’ – preferably inside a separate, gender-conforming bathroom down the street.
When asked about the implications of her actions on public sanitation, Brenda simply shrugged and responded, "Honey, that's the patriarchy's problem, not mine. Besides, I've got glitter cannon, darling. Glitter solves everything."
