In a move that's simultaneously baffling and breathtakingly tone-deaf, Chad Thundercock, CEO of the mega-corporation 'Bro-Fist Industries,' has banned gender-neutral bathrooms company-wide. Sources say this decision came after Chad reportedly found a rogue, gender-affirming 'they/them' sign in the men's room, causing him to experience what his spokesperson described as a 'mild existential crisis...and an intense urge to invest in a solid-gold bidet.'

Instead of embracing the inclusive future, Chad has opted for a more...personalized solution. He's commissioned a private, 'Diamond-Encrusted Palace of P's' (as one overly enthusiastic architect called it), replete with a self-cleaning toilet, a miniature rainforest shower, and a bespoke, hand-stitched toilet seat made from ethically sourced unicorn tears (allegedly). The cost? A reported $1.2 million, roughly 0.000007% of Bro-Fist's annual profits – a drop in the bucket, according to Chad, 'compared to the emotional turmoil caused by sharing a bathroom.'

The response to Chad's decision has been, predictably, explosive. A collective of gender-fluid activists known as the 'Rainbow Riot Grrrls' have organized a nationwide protest, demanding Chad's resignation and the immediate implementation of gender-affirming bathroom policies. Their slogan? 'No more cis-temic oppression! We're not going back to the Dark Ages...or at least not the Dark Ages with less impressive plumbing.'

Meanwhile, on social media, the hashtag #ChadThundercockIsOverParty has trended globally. Many users have posted pictures of themselves using the company's remaining, non-diamond-encrusted toilets, defiantly adding rainbow filters to their photos. One particularly viral post features a video of a user serenading a gender-neutral sign with a passionate rendition of 'I Will Survive.'

This whole saga serves as a stark reminder that sometimes, even in the most progressive spaces, battles for inclusivity still need to be fought. And sometimes, these battles are fought with glitter, protest signs, and a whole lot of shade. Stay tuned for updates on this evolving, utterly ridiculous story.