In a stunning display of…well, something, Police Chief Reginald Hardcastle, a man whose mustache alone could rival a flamboyant peacock, announced a ban on all Pride protests in the city of Millbridge. His reasoning? 'Too much glitter. It's a hazard.' He then proceeded to lead the largest, most flamboyant, and glitteriest Pride parade Millbridge has ever witnessed, complete with a unicorn float piloted by RuPaul's Drag Race alumni, a marching band playing 'YMCA' on repeat, and Chief Hardcastle himself, dressed as a giant, shimmering rainbow-colored donut.
The event, which saw attendees sporting everything from 'Drag is Magic' sashes to 'Queer as Folk' t-shirts and even a few strategically placed, politically charged glitter bombs (which, ironically, were entirely harmless), was described by witnesses as 'surreal' and 'utterly fabulous'. Hardcastle, meanwhile, attributed his unexpected about-face to a 'spiritual awakening' brought on by accidentally ingesting a batch of exceptionally potent rainbow sherbet.
'I had a vision,' he explained to reporters amidst a cloud of glitter and rainbow confetti, 'a vision of a world where the only thing louder than the acceptance of our LGBTQ+ siblings was the joyous cacophony of fabulousness. And let me tell you, this sherbet had some *serious* kick!' He then proceeded to twerk surprisingly well for a man of his apparent age and station.
Critics, however, were less than thrilled. One particularly disgruntled Millbridge resident, identified only as 'Bartholomew,' was quoted as saying, 'This is an outrage! It's a slippery slope to...to…MORE glitter!' Others, however, embraced the chaos. 'Finally,' sighed one attendee, 'a police force that understands the true meaning of 'protecting and serving' - serving us a whole lotta fierce fabulousness!', adding that this was 'the best unexpected Pride event they'd ever been to'. The Millbridge City Council has yet to comment, though it's rumored that they're considering adding 'glitter hazard mitigation' to the city budget. We're told it might require a whole new department, possibly headed by Chief Hardcastle himself.
This situation proves that even the most staunch homophobes can't resist a little glitter-bombing. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go apply some glitter to my own mustache.
