In a move so shocking it's practically a gender reveal party for a new era of woke capitalism, CEO Chad Thundercock of MegaCorp has announced his refusal to sponsor this year's Pride parade. Instead, he's donating a 'substantial' sum – the exact amount shrouded in more secrecy than the recipe for Coca-Cola – to various LGBTQ+ charities. Experts are baffled. Is this a cunning publicity stunt, a desperate attempt at queer-baiting, or the genuine manifestation of a soul suddenly and inexplicably awakened by the dazzling light of intersectional understanding?
"It's not about the rainbows, it's about the… green," Thundercock reportedly mumbled to a bewildered intern, before adding, "I mean, the *green* of vibrant, thriving community support! Yes, that's it. Green. Like money. Lots and lots of money."
Social media is ablaze. Conservative commentators, clutching their pearls like they're clutching the last remaining copies of 'Atlas Shrugged', are calling it a "socialist plot" and accusing Thundercock of 'rainbow-washing' his clearly problematic past of, well, being a CEO. Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are torn between celebrating the unexpected financial windfall and questioning whether this is yet another example of capitalist cooptation. One activist, identifying only as 'GlitterBomb', remarked, "It's like he's trying to buy his way into heaven…or at least, onto the good side of Twitter."
The donation, reportedly earmarked for a non-profit called 'Queer for Cash,' has already spawned a viral hashtag: #ChadDoesntCareButStillDoes. Some suggest this 'reverse psychology' approach might actually be more effective than a traditional Pride sponsorship. After all, nothing says 'acceptance' quite like a billionaire subtly demonstrating that his philanthropic endeavors are about as authentic as a Kardashian marriage. But hey, at least it's not a straight white male cisgendered politician trying to do it. Or is it? We may never truly know. The mystery, like the true nature of Chad Thundercock himself, remains as elusive as a unicorn riding a rainbow-colored unicorn.
This whole situation is giving me more cognitive dissonance than trying to understand the plot of 'Inception', and I am here for it.
