In a stunning twist worthy of a Netflix limited series (and probably already optioned by Ryan Murphy), renowned conservative leader Bartholomew Butterscotch has inadvertently bankrolled the world's largest Gay Pride parade, complete with a diamond-encrusted, six-foot-tall RuPaul as Grand Marshal. Butterscotch, known for his staunch opposition to 'woke' agendas and his belief that rainbows are a communist plot, vehemently denied any connection to the flamboyant event, claiming it was all a “deep state, lizard-people, Soros-funded conspiracy”.
However, eagle-eyed investigative journalists (and a very enthusiastic drag queen named Chardonnay who works at the local Starbucks) uncovered a clerical error in Butterscotch's budget. Apparently, a line item earmarked for 'traditional family values' was accidentally transferred to 'glitter cannons, feather boas, and artisanal artisanal artisanal rainbow bagels'. According to sources inside the Butterscotch administration, the funds were initially intended to go to a 'Straight Pride' event, which, tragically, ended up with only five attendees and a very disappointed Mr. Clean-themed bouncy castle.
The resulting Pride parade, in stark contrast, drew millions and featured a highly-anticipated performance by Cher, who reportedly had to be personally escorted away from a very enthusiastic group of shirtless men wielding glow sticks. Further details on this include the possibility that the line of shirtless men formed unexpectedly organically to spell out “Butterscotch is Gay” using only their bodies. Authorities are currently investigating if this event qualified as a spontaneous and unplanned act of art.
When confronted with the evidence, Butterscotch responded with a series of increasingly incoherent statements, including, "It's not gay if it's more than two," and "I'll have you know, I've seen *Brokeback Mountain*…and I cried...but only because the scenery was breathtaking." He then reportedly fainted dead away. The incident is currently being investigated as a possible case of profound irony-induced shock, which in itself is a very controversial area of study amongst the LGBTQ+ community. More information is anticipated at a later date. Meanwhile, Cher is rumored to have opened a glitter cannon factory in rural Mississippi.
