In a stunning twist that’s simultaneously baffling and completely predictable, action movie star Chad Thundercock – known for his roles as hyper-masculine, aggressively heterosexual heroes – has vehemently denied recent rumors of a same-sex relationship. This denial came mere hours before the surprise release of his sprawling autobiography, "My Bottom's Journey: From Locker Room to Lavender Fields," a tome described by publishers as "an unflinchingly honest exploration of Chad's intimate relationship with… well, himself, mostly."

The 500-page opus reportedly details Chad's "transformative experience" discovering the "inner rainbow unicorn residing within his… well, you know." Early reviews are overwhelmingly positive, with critics praising Chad's ‘brave’ portrayal of his ‘complex masculinity.’ One reviewer called it, ‘the definitive guide to anal beads for the discerning alpha male.’

Chad’s denial statement, released through his publicist (who, coincidentally, is now openly dating Chad's former ‘straight’ roommate), read, in its entirety: "I’m not gay. I’m… complexly gay. I’m the Beyoncé of bisexuality. Bow down, mortals!" He then proceeded to post a picture of himself wearing a sequined rainbow jumpsuit and doing interpretive dance on Instagram.

Naturally, the internet has exploded. Conservative pundits are aghast. One prominent figure, known only as “Uncle Barry’s Mustache,” accused Chad of engaging in ‘woke brainwashing,’ citing the fact that Chad now uses artisanal, gender-neutral bath salts.

However, LGBTQ+ activists are equally perturbed, calling the whole situation ‘performative wokeness’ and demanding Chad donate all royalties to a worthy cause – preferably a cat rescue that specializes in rescuing exclusively ginger kittens.

The ongoing drama continues to unfold. Stay tuned for updates as this story takes more unexpected, aggressively fabulous twists and turns. We anticipate a sequel titled, "Chad's Bottom's Journey: The Pride Cruise."