In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the already turbulent waters of the gender-affirming swimming pool (yes, it's a thing now), renowned Olympic weightlifter, Chad Thundercock, has announced his transition… to a woman. This comes after years of vocal opposition to transgender women competing in women’s sports, a stance Chad famously described as ‘protecting the sanctity of… well, you know… *biological* womanhood.’
Sources close to Chad (or should we say, *Chadette*?) claim that his sudden shift in perspective was triggered by a particularly grueling training session. ‘He – I mean *she* – kept missing her lifts,’ spills a gym buddy, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being ‘canceled’ for using the wrong pronouns. ‘Then, mid-squat, it hit her: ‘The real oppression is the expectation to conform to a gender binary that limits my personal expression,’ or something like that. It was very dramatic.’
This dramatic realization apparently involved a vision of RuPaul Charles presenting Chadette with a crown made entirely of protein bars and a lifetime supply of Estrogen Estrogen Estrogen (the new ‘it’ fragrance). Experts are baffled, suggesting that perhaps the sheer physical strain of weightlifting led to a sudden, radical, and very *woke* re-evaluation of Chad’s… well, everything.
The announcement has sent shockwaves through the sporting world. Some are calling it ‘a betrayal of everything we hold dear,’ while others are celebrating it as ‘a testament to the power of self-discovery… and possibly a really effective brand of hormone replacement therapy.’ One commentator, who identified as a gender-fluid goldfish named Bubbles, described it as ‘a perfectly natural progression in Chad’s journey toward self-acceptance… especially given his penchant for wearing sparkly leotards during his weightlifting sessions, which were previously attributed to ‘eccentric personal style.’
Chadette, now sporting a fabulous lavender power suit, has yet to comment on her next competitive endeavor. But whispers suggest she’s planning on challenging the world record for the most impressive glitter-based gender reveal party. The event is rumored to include a special guest appearance by a drag queen known only as ‘Lady Gaga’s less famous, less talented cousin.’ Stay tuned.
