In a stunning development that has sent ripples of… well, mostly mild confusion… through the academic community, renowned (and wildly self-proclaimed) scientist Professor Quentin Quibble has released a groundbreaking study dismissing the validity of non-binary identities. His research, funded by a surprisingly generous grant from the 'Straight, White, and Proudly Cis' foundation, claims that non-binary individuals are simply experiencing a temporary 'existential glitter-bomb explosion' – a period of self-discovery best treated with a strong dose of 'traditional masculinity' (apparently involving competitive badger-calling and copious amounts of Earl Grey tea).

Professor Quibble, whose tweed jacket is rumored to be older than the concept of gender fluidity itself, presented his findings at a press conference held in a surprisingly gender-neutral (but undeniably beige) lecture hall. He stated confidently, "My extensive research, involving precisely three surveys conducted entirely on my extremely handsome dog, Barnaby, conclusively proves that non-binary identities are a fleeting trend, much like Crocs and the Macarena. They’ll be gone before you can say 'gender-affirming care'."

His methodology, which involves comparing the mating rituals of Bolivian tree lizards to the dating apps of modern-day millennials, has been met with a mixture of bemusement and outright ridicule. Critics have pointed out that his control group consisted solely of Barnaby (who, it should be noted, strongly identifies as a 'good boy' and vehemently refuses to comment on the matter).

The scientific community remains deeply divided. While some have lauded Professor Quibble’s 'courageous' challenge to 'woke' ideology (primarily those who wear their socks with sandals), others have called his work 'utter poppycock' and 'scientifically bankrupt', a phrase rarely used to describe studies funded by seemingly disinterested foundations. Regardless, Professor Quibble remains undeterred, already planning his next study: proving that rainbows are just a conspiracy by overly-emotional unicorns.

In a related development, Barnaby has been nominated for a prestigious 'Dog of the Year' award. He declined to comment, preferring instead to nap on a pile of freshly-laundered tweed.