In a stunning display of… well, something, self-proclaimed ‘traditional values advocate’ Barnaby Butterfield has launched a vehement counter-offensive against the relentless tide of gender-neutral pronouns. Barnaby, who identifies as a ‘slightly bewildered cisgender male,’ believes the entire concept is ‘a slippery slope leading to… well, more slippery slopes.’ His solution? A revolutionary new pronoun: ‘Zorp.’

‘It’s strong, it’s defiant, it’s… uniquely Barnaby,’ he proclaimed at a press conference held in his mother’s basement, which was surprisingly well-lit, if somewhat dominated by a large collection of Beanie Babies. ‘Zorp encapsulates the inherent, immutable binary nature of reality! It’s like, totally the opposite of whatever those… *those people* are doing.’ (Butterfield visibly shuddered when mentioning ‘those people,’ likely referring to anyone who’s ever had a slightly different opinion on the gender binary than him.)

Butterfield’s announcement has sent ripples of confusion—and perhaps slight amusement—through the LGBTQ+ community. ‘I mean, it’s certainly… memorable,’ commented activist Willow Creek, who then burst into a fit of laughter, which continued for a solid five minutes. ‘It’s like he invented a pronoun specifically designed to make his point completely moot. ‘Zorp’ him all day, honey, you are not going to win with this one!’

Others aren’t so amused. Local baker, Agnes Periwinkle, notorious for her anti-woke sourdough starter, has called for a nationwide ‘Zorp-free zone.’ ‘It’s an affront to my perfectly round, gender-confirming cinnamon rolls!’ she declared, which is remarkably specific, even for Agnes.

The internet has, naturally, exploded with memes. ‘Zorp is the new Doge,’ proclaimed one widely circulated image. Another showed Butterfield wrestling with a pronoun chart, captioned: ‘When your attempt at fighting wokeness accidentally becomes the biggest meme of the year.’

As the debate rages on, one thing remains clear: ‘Zorp’ is a testament to the human capacity for absurdity, proving that even the most well-meaning attempts to fight progress can end up hilariously backfiring. And maybe, just maybe, ‘Zorp’ will become an unexpected rallying cry for inclusivity, simply because it’s so undeniably ridiculous.