In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the already fragile ecosystem of conservative Twitter, renowned homophobe and vocal opponent of LGBTQ+ rights, Candace Owens, has adopted a transgender child named… wait for it… Hunter Biden III. Yes, you read that right. The same Hunter Biden whose laptop (allegedly) contains enough compromising material to launch a thousand conspiracy theories, now has a mini-me, albeit a trans one, living with the woman who once said marriage equality was ‘the death of civilization.’
Sources close to Owens (who, ironically, are all secretly members of a drag troupe called ‘The Owens Owlets’) say the adoption was a completely organic decision, completely unrelated to the fact that her publicist threatened to out her secret collection of RuPaul’s Drag Race DVDs. But the reaction from the far-right has been… well, let’s just say it involves a lot of frantic Googling of ‘what is gender dysphoria’ and hushed phone calls to their local exorcist.
"This changes everything!" wailed one particularly distraught commentator on Breitbart News, his face contorted in a mixture of existential dread and what appeared to be mild indigestion. "If even Candace can’t resist the siren song of…of… *acceptance*, then what hope is there for the rest of us? Does this mean my collection of ‘I <3 Straight Marriage’ bumper stickers is now considered hate speech? Are my slightly homophobic uncles now going to demand therapy?"
Meanwhile, Hunter Biden III, sporting a fabulous rainbow tutu and a custom-made ‘I’m With Her (and Them)’ t-shirt, seems unfazed. Their response to the chaos? A TikTok showcasing their impressive skills in interpretive dance to Lizzo’s ‘About Damn Time’ — a dance that, according to experts, has successfully triggered a record number of meltdowns amongst conservative commentators.
Experts are divided on the long-term effects of this unexpected alliance. Some predict a mass conversion to progressive values, while others believe it might simply trigger a nationwide shortage of lavender-scented candles as the right wing attempts a spiritual cleansing. One thing’s for certain: the cultural landscape has officially been turned on its perfectly fabulous head.
