In a move that has left even the most seasoned irony detectors spinning, Mayor Mildred McMuffin of Pleasantville, Ohio, has simultaneously banned all LGBTQ+ activism within city limits while simultaneously declaring Pleasantville the ‘Gayest Little Capitalist Paradise this side of the Mississippi.’

The Mayor, sporting a dazzlingly sparkly ‘Support Our Gay Businesses’ pin (purchased, ironically, from a shop owned by a trans woman she’s personally banned from city council meetings), explained her seemingly contradictory stance with the following statement: "Look, I love a good rainbow. I love rainbow-colored everything! But, you know, the *activism*… well, that’s just… disruptive. It interferes with the efficient flow of capitalism, darling. And capitalism, as we all know, is the real heart of Pride."

McMuffin’s decree has outlawed all Pride parades, drag queen story hours, and even the distribution of pamphlets advocating for equal rights. However, she’s enthusiastically promoted a new initiative, “Rainbow Ruination: A Celebration of Gay-Owned Businesses,” which features tax breaks for companies that display at least three shades of pastel on their storefronts. Local businesses are scrambling to meet the new, highly specific, aesthetic criteria. One bakery is reportedly considering a lawsuit after their ‘subtle lavender frosting’ failed to meet the Mayor’s exacting standards.

Critics, meanwhile, have called McMuffin’s policy a blatant case of 'pinkwashing' – the practice of using LGBTQ+ themes to enhance a brand's image while simultaneously supporting or enabling homophobic policies. "It’s like she thinks buying a rainbow-striped tie absolves you of all your transphobic sins," commented local activist, Chad Thundercock. "It's the capitalist equivalent of offering a minority a job as a token gesture while simultaneously actively campaigning to prevent them from having any meaningful rights."

The situation has devolved into pure, unadulterated, delicious chaos. Activists are planning a ‘silent protest’ – by screaming in rainbow-colored megaphones. Businesses are competing in a bizarre ‘most aggressively pastel’ storefront competition. And Mayor McMuffin is reportedly planning to release a line of ‘Gay-Friendly’ merchandise featuring her face superimposed on a unicorn riding a rainbow-colored capitalist dragon. Truly, the only thing more flamboyant than this situation is the mayor's hair.