In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community (and possibly caused a few aneurysms), renowned geologist Dr. Bartholomew Stone, a man whose previous publications focused primarily on the geological formations of sedimentary rocks, has published a groundbreaking paper titled, "Queering the Cambrian Explosion: A Post-Structuralist Analysis of Trilobite Gender Fluidity."
Dr. Stone, initially dismissed as a 'woke' snowflake by his colleagues (who, ironically, were wearing rainbow-striped socks that day), meticulously details the supposed existence of non-binary trilobites, questioning the very foundation of established paleontological gender norms. He argues, quite convincingly, that the previously documented 'symmetrical' nature of some trilobite species was actually a complex performance of gender nonconformity, citing, amongst other evidence, the fact that 'they look kinda fabulous.'
"It was a complete accident!" Dr. Stone explained to our reporters, his voice trembling slightly. "I was analyzing the isotopic ratios of Cambrian limestone... and suddenly... well, Judith Butler just kind of *appeared* on my laptop screen and started whispering about the performative nature of fossilized exoskeletons. I didn't know what hit me!"
The paper, surprisingly well-received by leading queer theorists (including a particularly enthusiastic comment from Laverne Cox who called it 'a major mood'), has caused an uproar among some traditionalists. One such commentator, Professor Reginald Tightlips, a self-proclaimed defender of 'traditional rock formations,' was quoted as saying, "This is an outrage! Next thing you know they'll be claiming dinosaurs were polyamorous... and then where will we be?" (Presumably, wearing fabulous dinosaur-themed rainbow apparel, suggested many on social media).
The paper ends with a provocative call for gender-inclusive geological dating methods, advocating for replacing 'he/she' pronouns in scientific papers with the more fluid 'they' and introducing new terms like 'trans-stratified' and 'bi-layered' to account for the complex queer histories of the Earth's formations. Dr. Stone has since started work on his next project: "The Gay Agenda of Glacier Formation: A Decolonizing Approach." We at the Daily Squelch await this groundbreaking work with bated breath... or, perhaps more accurately, with rainbow-coloured bated breath.
