In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make a quantum physicist weep, Ms. Agnes Periwinkle, a third-grade teacher from Bumblebrook Elementary, has been simultaneously lauded and lambasted for her recent actions. First, Ms. Periwinkle banned all forms of ‘woke’ inclusive curriculum, declaring it ‘too divisive’ and ‘a gateway drug to socialism.’ Parents, predictably, reacted with a mixture of confused head-tilting and the furious muttering of ‘cancel culture.’
However, the twist? Ms. Periwinkle, in what she describes as a ‘spontaneous act of artistic liberation fueled by kale smoothies and suppressed rage,’ immediately penned and self-published a children’s book titled, ‘Susanna’s Sparkling Rainbow Adventure.’ Susanna, you see, is a non-binary unicorn with a penchant for gender-fluid fashion and a deep love for interpretive dance.
The book, illustrated with crayon-like renderings that wouldn’t look out of place in a Salvador Dali fever dream, depicts Susanna navigating the complexities of a world that refuses to acknowledge her dazzling array of pronouns (she/him/zir/they/it — and occasionally, 'Supreme Overlord'). There’s also a subplot involving a surprisingly progressive badger who runs a gender-neutral bakery specializing in gluten-free, organic, ethically-sourced rainbow cupcakes.
'It was a cathartic experience,' Ms. Periwinkle explained during a press conference held in her meticulously organized, slightly beige classroom. 'I needed to express my repressed creative spirit, you know? It's like, if you ban glitter, people will just start making glitter bombs. Only, instead of bombs, it's a charming children’s story about the importance of self-acceptance and the inherent beauty of a multi-faceted, kaleidoscopic reality.'
Parents are understandably bewildered. Some are sending their children to private school, opting for a curriculum less likely to involve a rainbow unicorn with existential anxieties. Others are forming support groups around the question, ‘How many pronouns are too many pronouns?’ The answer, apparently, is still being debated – perhaps over rainbow cupcakes. The book, incidentally, has already gone viral on TikTok. #SusannaIsMySpiritAnimal is currently trending.
