In a stunning display of irony that could only be orchestrated by the universe's most flamboyant puppeteer, Chad Thundercock, star quarterback for the perpetually losing 'Patriots' (no relation to the other guys), has launched a campaign to ban rainbow-themed jerseys from his beloved sport. His reasoning? 'It's distracting. And… sparkly.'

Chad, whose pre-game ritual involves a rigorous three-hour session of staring intensely at his own reflection while flexing bicep-sized biceps, argued that the vibrant colours were a 'visual assault' on his masculinity, and a 'gateway drug' to accepting that maybe, just maybe, his hair gel usage might be a tad excessive. He even compared them to 'wearing a clown suit to a funeral' – a comparison that somehow simultaneously missed and completely embodied the point.

However, in an even more spectacular twist than that time Beyoncé dropped Lemonade (a masterpiece many believe to have been inspired solely by the vibrant rainbow's emotional depth), Chad was tasked with designing a replacement jersey. His attempt to create a 'manly' alternative backfired spectacularly.

His proposed design? A jersey featuring a single, gigantic, shimmering, sequined rainbow, emblazoned with the phrase 'Chad's Rainbow of Tolerance (But Mostly Me)' in a font so flamboyant it practically sang show tunes. The rainbow, sources say, contains tiny glitter bits that form the words 'Love Wins' when shaken violently. The league's response? 'We’re not sure if we're more terrified or impressed.'

Critics – mostly Chad's own reflection – have called the new design 'a bold and hilarious statement on the absurdity of homophobia'. Experts have yet to determine if Chad's accidental masterpiece signifies the dawn of a new era of queer sports, or simply a complete and utter melting of Chad's previously rigid hetero-normative worldview. One thing's for sure: this is less 'Straight Pride' and more 'Suddenly Gay Pride'