In a shocking turn of events that's simultaneously blessed and cursed, Pastor Thaddeus Bile, known for his fiery sermons condemning the "rainbow menace" of drag shows, has unexpectedly won the prestigious "Miss Gay Galaxy: Bakersfield Blitz" competition. Bile, a self-proclaimed defender of "traditional values" (presumably those involving a lot of judgment and very little glitter), entered the competition under the stage name "Sister Serenade" (a choice so ironically on-the-nose it practically requires a tetanus shot).

Sources say his winning number, a surprisingly poignant lip-sync performance of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You," moved judges to tears. One judge, identified only as "Kiki Bon-Bon," was quoted as saying, "I was initially skeptical, expecting a sermon in sequins. Instead, I received a masterclass in emotional vulnerability, wrapped in a fabulous gown and a fierce pair of heels. I've never been so conflicted—and so entertained."

Bile’s post-competition statement was a masterpiece of unintentional irony. "The devil works in mysterious ways," he stammered, clutching his sash and a suspiciously large tiara, "but I guess even Satan appreciates a good tuck and a high kick." The internet, naturally, exploded. Memes featuring Bile's face superimposed onto RuPaul’s Drag Race judges' faces instantly went viral, alongside numerous think pieces analyzing the theological implications of his victory and questioning whether this is the Rapture or just a particularly flamboyant Tuesday.

Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is divided. Some celebrate the unexpected ally, while others worry about the potential co-opting of their culture, leading to a particularly heated debate on Twitter with the hashtag #BlessedButConfused. In related news, the Westboro Baptist Church announced plans to stage a counter-protest featuring a drag show featuring only men dressed as Jesus in various states of undress. Stay tuned for further updates on this unfolding…situation.